Almost any woman will tell you that an emotional affair is every bit as painful (if not more so) than a physical affair. Knowing that your husband confided in, understood, and trusted another woman with his heart rather than his body is every bit as devastating – and healing from this can be just as difficult. But, you should know that emotional affairs are actually more common than physical ones. Well over 80% of men surveyed about affairs indicated that they cheated for emotional rather then physical reasons. Still, it can be very hard to recover from this betrayal. This article will offer you tips and advice on how to handle and eventually get over an emotional affair and how to restore the trust following it.
Why Men Will Often Not Understand Why You Are So Upset. They Will Often Insist That This Isn’t Really Cheating: It’s not uncommon for a man to maintain that because the physical aspect of the affair was not the primary cause, then technically, it’s not really a full blown affair. I’ve had so many men tell me “well, nothing really happened, so why am I being punished as though it has?” Men really do not understand how deeply it wounds us to know that he opened up to and shared the intimate feelings that he should be sharing with us with another woman.
Often, it helps to ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. How would he like it if you were suddenly soul mates or best friends with a male coworker with whom you would regularly bare your soul? The real litmus test to this, as many counselors will tell you, is if the communication or connection is one that is “not a big deal” (as he claims) then he should have had no problem sharing this with his spouse. But, if this emotional connection was conducted on the sly, without your knowing, then obviously there is deliberate deception involved.
Also, any counselor will tell you that when your spouse is receiving emotional support and a close bond that replaces or diminishes the one that he should or would share with his wife, then there is a serious problem. But, men do not often intuitively know this, so you’ll often have to calmly explain this to them until it begins to sink in.
What Men Get Out Of An Emotional Affair (What Is The Pay Off): It’s pretty easy to understand the pay off of a physical affair – the sex, the excitement, the restoration of self esteem and vitality. Emotional affairs are a bit different, but they still often stem from low self esteem as much as physical cheating does.
Part of the problem often lies with men’s emotional makeup and the support system that is already available to them. It’s just a fact that there are some things about which men don’t like to discuss with their wives. Common topics are their jobs, their fears, and their vulnerabilities – simply because men do not want to show their wives any weaknesses. It’s embarrassing and it makes him feel diminished in your ears.
So, this leaves him with his male friends. Often, this option isn’t really all that great either. It’s perfectly socially acceptable and common for women to ask for and receive emotional support from their girlfriends, but this just isn’t the case for most men. Sure, they’ll talk about sports and common experiences, but they aren’t likely to bare their souls to one another or discuss their anxieties.
Often an emotional affair happens when all of the circumstances involved seem to align to create the perfect opportunity for vulnerability. An example would be the husband is struggling with fears at work or issues with his boss. He doesn’t want to discuss this with his wife because it would only worry her about their financial future. But, there is a coworker who works closely with him, understands exactly the situation as it is, and is all too willing to share and kick around the situation as she’s sees it.
In the husband’s mind, he’s sparring his wife from having to worry about this and he’s relieved that he finally has an outlet. I’m not defending him, but I want you to understand his thought process, as faulty as it is. So, where does this leave you? Well, in order to save the marriage, should you chose to, you will have to restore the intimacy and trust.
Restoring Trust In The Aftermath Of An Emotional Affair: First, it’s very important that your husband understands that you see this as a deception and whether he agrees with you or not, you will need for him to hear and understand what you have to say. (You will also need to do your part by explaining as calmly, rationally, and in a non spiteful way as is possible.) But, it’s important that he understands that this is a devastating blow to your marriage that absolutely can not happen again.
To that end, the two of you will need to communicate and on exactly what it was that left the marriage vulnerable. The issues that are honestly identified will need to be worked on and ultimately fixed. It really helps to set up a set time where both of you share your experiences and issues. You need to establish completely open and intimate conversation – what you are looking for is a safe harbor against the world where you can both come to be heard, understood, and reassured. This will take practice and time, but I promise you that countless marriages are actually not only saved (but vastly improved) by this process.
It’s also important that you be very honest about what it is going to take to make you feel secure again. You may need for your husband to totally change departments or jobs or do whatever is necessary to banish this woman from your lives. You may want access to his cell phone or email. You may need for him to give you more attention and affection without needing to be asked. Whatever it is that is going to help you heal, you can not be shy about asking for it. Because you really can not fully trust or fully heal if you allow things left unsaid or unresolved. So, be brutally honest about what it is going to take to get you there.
soul mates
My Husband Cheated Emotionally – How Do I Trust Again?
