Themes for what I write usually come from my own life and what I am noticing around me. Over the last few years I have noticed so many people questioning their relationships and moving away from some that have previously been seen by outsiders as solid and stable. Our evolving genes are giving us heightened awareness allowing us to move out of the old wounded state, and into the new paradigm of being ourselves. Living as who we really are is an incredibly freeing concept. So many “therapies” are trying to teach us to be more than who we are, unlimited, or enlightened. When we live the truth of who we are that is all we need. Enlightenment comes naturally.

Human Design is a very important and timely part of this paradigm shift. In allowing us to be ourselves we do need to live and embody two simple notions. The first is not to take anything personally and the second is not to make judgments about others. The more we understand about our own and other people’s designs we learn that we have come in with gifts that make us who we are. We may be grateful for our own gifts and believe that other people should strive to have similar gifts – teachers who try to teach another their gift, for instance – but that may not be that person’s purpose on this planet.

So with some of these thoughts in mind I have been watching the way we negotiate with each other. I see school children compete with each other and it is not always friendly. They try to always be better than the other in what they say and do. “Is my picture better than his?” “Is my Lego model better?” “Is my writing better?” “Can I read better?” My answer is always, “They are all good, and this is not a competition.” School teaches people to compete. Schools themselves are constantly competing with other schools in order to maintain funding. This makes them accept children that are more likely to give them the exam results that will keep them in the league tables. What happens to those naturally talented children who are not classically academic? There were so many talented children in our home-educated group who would not have survived the wrath of a teacher or the pressure of homework.

I listened to a discussion on the radio about competition. The main argument to support it was that “This is a competitive world and children need to grow up being able to live in it.” My mission is to be part of a growing movement to make this world a loving and peaceful place to live in and that means setting one’s own goals and standards and not having to compete with others. Knowing our own personal gifts gives us our own direction and our own success without comparing ourselves with any other person.

In order to deal with competition we need to learn how to negotiate successfully. No relationship can succeed if there is no reasonable negotiation. Children learn from school that they have to be better, cleverer, more able; more talented; they have to win at all costs. They are not told what might happen if they lose but clearly it is not desirable in our society to be a ‘loser’. There is something much deeper that underlies our need to succeed and this is a survival instinct. It is something so deeply existential and probably so old. The cellular memory of it will give us cause to believe that we may die if we do not win.

More than 70% of us started life as a twin. We chose to come in with another soul. Along the way, usually at an early point in our gestation, one twin decides not to stay. It may be because there is not enough nourishment for two developing babies, or perhaps one soul made an agreement to help the other in, and not stay. Whatever the reason, the majority of births that start out as twin births do not end with a twin birth. This creates a range of different dynamics that both souls have chosen to deal with in this or another lifetime.

Double binds are one of the dynamics that come from a twin birth. If you were a twin that needed a soul mate to help you come here and that little soul departed, might you think it was your fault? Might you feel bereft without your twin and find it very hard to make a decision about anything in your life from then on. Having two choices – if I do this, I lose or if I do that, I lose – is called a double bind. Imagine a couple of foetuses in the same womb. If I die, then I lose, and if I am born and win, I lose my soul mate, my best friend, the other half of who I am. What would your choice be? People who have had to make this choice in the womb find they are making these kinds of choices throughout their life. I have also met people who are so afraid to lose that they will do anything to win. I have wondered if that is because perhaps they have been the ‘lost’ twin a few times and this lifetime they have decided to be the surviving twin at all costs. These people make negotiation impossible, their fight for survival is so strong and often the other party is at a loss to understand the logic of the winner’s strategy.

I have dealt with my own twin dynamics and now I see so many others dealing with this issue all the time. People searching for their soul mates are really searching for the person they thought they were meant to incarnate with. What we are doing is finding someone who has the same wound, who is also seeking their soul mate, so the initial attraction is very powerful. We believe we have found that lost twin, the soul that should have survived and will make this dilemma disappear. After the initial bliss period we find we have issues to deal with and the pattern of “there is no room for two in the same womb” repeats itself.

If we choose to work things through, explore and understand the dynamics, then the relationship can become a true partnership. Although perhaps less intense, the relationship is more real. Some people crave the intensity of that best friend, twin feeling, and move from one relationship or friendship to another. When you have had your eyes opened to this dynamic you can see it when you meet a new friend who thinks they have ‘found’ you and make an instant bond with you. They then want your complete loyalty and they want to be able to give that to you. Then when they see you are impartial and non-judgmental and do not go to their level of intensity, they feel betrayed. In the meantime, you have done nothing except not allow yourself to be drawn in. If you are a “twin type” and have not dealt with your own issues around this, the chances are you will be drawn into the neediness and intensity of this kind of relationship, be it friends or potential partners.

Betrayal is a typical pattern of the twin dynamic. People with this patters expect you to be totally loyal. You may recognize someone as your twin but they may not feel the same way. So you feel let down. This pattern will happen again and again until you do something to change it. Business and personal partners, friends and just acquaintances will always let you down.

Imagine these dynamics in over 70% of the world’s population; the need to win, the feelings of betrayal, the need for revenge, and to win at all costs. Aren’t these all recipes for war? Greed too, can also be seen as a twin dynamic. Perhaps there was only enough food for one foetus. Perhaps the foetus that departed repeated this pattern many times. The need for food is so great when that soul finally does survive a pregnancy all it can think of is getting enough. Greed is the driving force. Today we see greed in all the negative aspects of power-hungry leaders. Mass death is a by-product of their greed as wars make billions. So creating another war is just a profitable exercise. Perhaps the idea of perpetrating death is just a form of revenge – a place that many of them feel familiar with while they lost their own fight for survival. In this lifetime they are going to make sure that they will win at all costs.

So what can we do to overcome the negative playing out of this huge need to survive? Can we go out there and tell everyone that they need to deal with their twin dynamic? Certainly one way would be to deal with it ourselves and know that the reason this is coming up big time in our lifetime is that it is time to deal with it. By the law of the “hundredth monkey” it only takes some of us to change the whole world; so never think what you do is not enough. It all matters. We are all enough.

Another way is to understand and live our design. That way we are comfortable with the body we have, with ourselves. We know our purpose on this planet and there is no need to compete with others. We have nothing to prove. We don’t even need to mean what we say – it all just depends what mood we are in at that moment. We don’t need to feel pressure, mental or physical stress. Whenever we get into a difficult negotiation, a double bind, a win/lose situation or a betrayal we can be alerted to the fact that this is not who we are. This is a very old pattern; we survived back then and we will survive now and we no longer need to be in this dynamic. The secret of a double bind is that there is really nothing you can do but understand the pattern and name it. “This is a double bind….” Then you wait. Forgive yourself for being the surviving twin. Take notice of your own body, feeling grounded and centred in it. Perhaps you negated your own body because your lost twin was denied one. Perhaps you feel disconnected from your heart. If you weren’t, you couldn’t stand the pain of the loss. If you listen to that heart you will learn that the twin you miss so much chose to leave; you even made a pact that they would accompany you for a small part of the journey but you have forgotten that agreement. And are they are still with you in spirit, watching over you, guiding you?

Then when you do meet your soul mate and become entangled in the “twin dynamic” of the double bind, you will be able to find your own self and differentiate. You will start to see how suffocating it is to be so co-dependent on each other, and you will be grateful for the space that differentiating yourselves allows each of you. You are not afraid to be away from each other’s company; you no longer finish sentences for each other; you no longer feel betrayed by the other when they find someone else to “twin” with. You are free to see each other’s unique qualities instead.

Do nothing and wait for the miracle to happen. Be patient. I have used this strategy over and over again and it works. The miracle happens every time.

Phylipa Dinnen

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life and don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. Most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.” Steve Jobs

soul mates
Human Design: Double Binds, Soul Mates and War