How To Survive Infidelity By Building New Memories Together
Your spouse cheated on you and you are learning how to survive the infidelity. Learning to live with your partner’s infidelity is difficult. It takes time and a lot of commitment to rebuild a marriage after an affair.
Having made the decision to give your marriage another try, you will discover that you have taken on a lot of stress. Rebuilding a relationship is hard work. There are bound to be times when you get flashbacks of the way things were when you first discovered your spouse’s affair. You will continue to get bouts of anger, jealousy, resentment and fear. The horrible images of the two lovers will flash into your mind unprompted.
The hard work of healing your marriage will make all the effort worthwhile. But that reward might seem a long way off. In the meantime, there is an exercise you can undertake with your spouse to lighten the tense atmosphere.
You and your spouse need to move forward as a couple. You need to consign the bad memories to the past and mover towards your future together as a happily married couple. The best way to erase bad memories is to build new good ones. You can do this by having some good times now and in the future. Each new good memory you build together will help to push away the bad memories and hateful images that still haunt you.
Joint happy memories will pull you and your spouse closer together. Sharing good times is the way to build those memories. Even in a relationship founded on deep mutual love, it can be difficult to reignite the feelings you had in the early days of your romance. You need to make a conscious effort to reignite the spark that once glowed in the heart of your marriage.
You need to have enjoyable time together as a couple. Remember the early days when all the two of you wanted was to spend time together. Remember how much fun you had? You need to get back to having fun and relaxing together.
The way to do this is to start going on dates together. In some ways dating someone you already know so well can be tricky. You have done so much together, it might seem there is nothing new and fun left. It can also seem a bit fake to be dating the person you are already married to.
You have probably been spending a great deal of time at home together talking through your problems. Taking time out from that tense situation will do you both good. The way to get this new fun time going is to start by treating it as an exercise.
Step 1 – make a list of date ideas
Each of you should make a list of half a dozen dates you would like to go on with your partner. These can be simple things like trying out a new restaurant that just opened in town, or going on a long walk and having a picnic at a beauty spot. It could be resuming a sport you once enjoyed together but got out of the habit of doing. It could be a personal indulgence such as breaking your healthy diet and going out to have pizza and huge ice creams to follow.
Step 2 – plan your first date
Once you each have your list of date ideas, combine them and pick one from the list to schedule immediately. Make the date for a time that’s convenient to both of you. But make it soon; this exercise is another way of moving your relationship forward. You might want to pick one from each list and schedule them both. Then take it in turns week by week.
Step 3 – make a no conflict pact
Your dates are not a time for airing grievances or continuing with a long-running argument. All topics that might cause friction or tension must be off limits for the date. You should both relax and get to know one another again. Talk about anything apart from the state of your marriage. Chat about work, hobbies, the state of the economy or plans for a vacation. For the duration of the date, put the past on one side and enjoy the present.
Going on dates with the spouse who cheated on you might sound rather contrived, but it can be a wonderful way to start building fresh happy memories. Getting dressed up for a date can also give your self-confidence a boost. Your spouse has seen you at your lowest ebb. Now is your chance to shine in the way that attracted your spouse to you the first time round. You should also take the opportunity to reacquaint yourself with the attributes you found attractive in your spouse when you were first getting to know each other.
When you have gone on the dozen or so dates from your original lists, going out together as a couple will feel completely natural and it will be easy to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Having fun together won’t seem difficult and you will know you have taken a big step in the healing of your relationship.
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