During relationship counseling I often find myself listening to complaints about partners being lazy, or unmotivated; “if only they would do something.” If you find yourself becoming increasingly wound up trying to share your life with a person who doesn’t want to do anything, have a quick read of this.
The common response to a partner, who is unmotivated, lazy or seemingly uninterested in doing anything except loafing about watching TV, or fiddling about on the computer, is to increase pressure to do something. It’s a perfectly reasonable reaction from a frustrated partner and one I come across on a regular basis. The problem is that it seldom works. What tends to happen? There are often only 2 outcomes from this approach. The first is that Mr or Mrs Lazy Person reluctantly and begrudgingly complies, waiting for the moment they can once again slide into blissful inertia. The other outcome is even more frustrating. The more you increase pressure and the harder you push, the stronger they dig in and the more resistant they become.
There is only one way out of this dilemma that surrounds the incurably lazy… that you do something different, but what?
The first thing to do is stop pushing. It’s tiring, frustrating and doesn’t really work. It might have some benefit in providing you with an outlet for your frustrations but in terms of getting someone moving it’s surprisingly limited. When you’ve stopped pushing and managed to untangle yourself from the struggle, here are three things that you can try that I’ve borrowed from a psychotherapeutic approach called Motivational Interviewing:
Talking Lives Next Door To Action
It’s often said that good intentions pave the road to hell, or some such dramatic nonsense. In actual fact research demonstrates time and time again that the more we talk about changing something the more likely it is that it will actually happen. I witness the reality of this all the time. I think the potent ingredient is the degree of meaning behind the words. If someone is saying “I really must get to the Gym more often” and they talk about the benefits of enhanced physical health and how it will improve there lives, it is just a matter of time before they make it happen. If however, I hear someone saying it under duress and not really meaning it I know that I’m in for a long wait.
This first strategy then is getting Mr or Mrs Lazy-Bones talking about doing things differently. Don’t jump into the deep end as this will certainly increase resistance, but start off with where they are… a trip to the movies, eating out, a bit of gardening. Start small and get bigger.
Increase Importance
It feels like stating the obvious, but people often don’t change because it’s just not important to them. It maybe very important to you and everyone else but to the person in the eye of the storm, change remains a distant and unimportant desert island. You can help to increase importance in many ways. Were they always like this? Was there a time when they were more active? When they look into the future do they see themselves always being lazy and inactive? What are their life goals? What are their real values in life?
All of these questions will stir up importance to change.
Check Out Their Confidence
The other big reason for not changing is a lack of confidence. It’s sometimes the case that people can actually change if they want to but just don’t believe that it will work out, or that it will be better than what they currently have. In these situations it actually makes perfect sense not to change. We rarely change if we don’t feel confident enough. Find out what would have to happen for their confidence to bump up a few gears; it maybe more information, it maybe reassurance, it maybe some encouragement and it maybe anything under the sun. Your job is to find out what will increase their confidence and start working towards it.
I have just outlined a few strategies but there are many, many more. If you are living with a partner who is unmotivated or even lazy, resist just turning up the heat and start doing things differently. Remember, they won’t change, but you can!
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How To Motivate Your Partner
