Confession, I am in my mid-forties, I am divorced and single. Looking back, dating in your twenties seemed nostalgic and easy. You would date someone and when the relationship was over, it was over. It was much easier to end a relationship knowing that a new one would commence soon. And weeks later, you were in new relationship. It was probably that when you were in your twenties, it was easier to date and not feel as if the clock was ticking. It was so much easier to find relationships as dispensable. The dating game seems to change as we got older. And when you are in your forties, fifties and sixties, dating seems to be more challenging. For one, we ARE getting older and need to be more serious about relationships than when we were in our twenties. Compared to being in your twenties, we are different mentally, we tend not to go out as much, and we are less carefree and more responsible now. Not to say that people in their twenties are always going out and are not responsible, we just have already been there and have done that. Regardless of the plethora of avenues we have to find a match such as social media, online dating, speed dating, and executive match makers, to name a few, it is still difficult.
It has been, for the past ten years, hard for me to find someone that is ready to settle down. The last two guys actually stated immediately that they did not want an exclusive relationship. Why didn’t I turn and run then? However, I still dated them and just like the first one, I find myself still single. However, this is what I have learned. When a man tells you what he wants and where he is in his life, take him literally for his words. He actually knows what he wants and where he is mentally in his life in regards to relationships. When it is communicated, in the end, he always states, “I told you in the beginning that I did not want an exclusive relationship.” It’s not that I thought I could change their minds, well, actually I did. However, I had an uncanny attraction to each that I wanted to pursue, and I did. Each man had their own reasons for not wanting anything serious or committal, but, in my heart I knew that I did. I, however, settled, accepted the attention they gave and subdued my own wants and needs. I accepted the crumbs they gave as well as accepted being in a random relationship. In the end, I was the one hurt, not getting what I wanted and still single. Another important lesson I have learned is that I absolutely pick the wrong guys to date.
What I have found is that my single friends who are in their forties, fifties and sixties experience the same challenges I face when it comes to dating. Just like women, single men in their forties, and above, most likely have been married, divorced and simply do not want to be burned again. Needless to say, we come with heavy baggage that we, women and men, seem to carry into relationships, even though the person had changed. Are we bitter about past failed relationships that we bring those insecurities into new ones? From a woman’s perspective, I have several reservations about relationships, dating and marriage.
First, do we settle? I have had men approach me, want to date me, but I’m not attracted to them. In this instance, friends would tell me that I am selective, that I’m too picky. Actually, my best friend Mark says I’m too shallow. But, isn’t mutual attraction is what the making of a substantial relationship is about? The attraction you feel for someone counts for something, to me, everything. Dating someone just because they are interested in you is deemed to be just settling. It is important to remain optimistic about finding that special someone and that the feelings and attraction are reciprocated.
Second, are we pickier and set in our ways that we make it more difficult to date? I have heard many women state that their set in their ways and will not change. One shouldn’t change in relationships. Remaining who you are and being true to yourself will afford the right person in your life to accept you exactly how you are and where you are in your life. The process of dating casts out those that are incompatible and strengthens relationships that are compatible. In your forties, it’s not that we are pickier or set in our ways; we actually know what we want and what we don’t want.
Next, are we career oriented and have attitudes about relationships? I absolutely love what I do for a living. I am fulfilled in my life and my career plays a major role in my overall fulfillment. It is important to find happiness and contentment in what you’ve chosen as a career, whatever that may be. Some people find themselves in careers that they do not find satisfaction. This can bring unhappiness in their lives that may articulate attitudes in relationships. However, I can separate my career life from my love life to ultimately invite that special person in.
Are our sexual drive decreased and we do not desire the affection and love of a man? Another confession, I haven’t reached the point in which my physical and intimacy desires for a relationship has waned. Some women can mentally block themselves from sexual desires, while others have medical imbalances that causes decreased libido. However, I know several single women who have no desire for intimacy or for a relationship. One stated that her desires have gone to the bottom of her foot. She is in her sixties.
And finally, are men just not willing to commit because of the many options they have? This is the biggest reservations I have and have experienced in relationships. I am also a little pungent about men who have multiple women and have no desire to choose one. One guy actually said that there are too many women available to just select one. Unfortunately, he was one of the two guys I mentioned earlier. Having the strength to not settle for a guy who does not want an exclusive relationship can be detrimental to our health. Sexual transmitted diseases such as AIDS is significantly on the rise for women in their forties and fifties. Being selective and not accepting this behavior makes a humongous difference.
What were not mentioned in this article were the men that are married or men in other relationships but tend to stray? I won’t go there though!
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Dating After Forty Seems Challenging
