Nothing demolishes trust in a relationship like infidelity. The person cheated on now begins to wonder what else in the relationship was untrue. Infidelity puts in doubt what you thought you knew about your partner, your relationship and even yourself. It is like a kick to the stomach that wakes you up to the realization that you didn’t really know your partner; your relationship was not as happy as you thought and your judgement about your man was not accurate. But once infidelity has occurred you really have no option but to move on as you cannot stay stuck at this negative experience and you cannot undo what has happened. So how do you instil trust after infidelity has occurred?
1. The cheater. The one who cheated has specific things they must do.
a. Transparency and openness. The partner who cheated must of necessity open up their life to their partner. This means allowing them to ask questions about your whereabouts in the details that they need. Since you betrayed their trust you need to give them the building blocks that they need to instil trust in you again.
b. Give up being with certain people in certain places. You may need to stop frequenting the places where the cheating occurred and instead spend that time with your partner. If when you were cheating you were hardly home then if you are still never home then your partner’s mind cannot be at ease. You will need to give up the lifestyle that facilitated the cheating and replace it with one that includes your partner and builds the emotional connection that you once had.
c. Assure your partner. Your partner will not trust you and you need to find ways to reassure them that the cheating is in the past. Words will probably not be enough and you will need to demonstrate that you have left the cheating behind you. Start the behavior that you had in your pre-cheating days such as answering your phone in the same room as them, being available to do things with them, loving on them etc. If you no longer have the other flame then you can concentrate your emotions on the home front.
d. Keep at it. Your partner doesn’t trust you and to instil trust in them will take time. So keep doing the right things until your partner’s trust begins to reignite.
2. The one who was cheated on. If you want to work on instilling trust in your partner then you must also do some hard and painful work.
a. Don’t hold the infidelity over them. As tempting and as justified as you may feel doing this it will not bring healing to your relationship. The affair is over and you agreed to rebuild the relationship so you need to give up your right to continually bring up the fact that you are ‘the clean good partner who was horribly wronged’. If you both agreed that it is in the past then you need to leave it there. Decide today that you will not bring it up as a weapon in future battles and bite your tongue when you are tempted to do so.
b. Keep them accountable. Whatever your partner promised to change you need to hold them to their word. If you sense that all is not well let them know and if you can seek professional help. Do not give them the leeway that you had given them when you were suspicious. You will naturally be very suspicious of them but do try to be reasonable so that you don’t suffocate them and the relationship by watching and questioning every single second of their day.
c. Don’t focus on only what is wrong in them. Since you hurt you will be tempted to see everything they do or say in the light of that hurt. This essentially means that you will be unable to see anything good that they do. You must make the effort to see when they make genuine progress and to participate in it. If they now want to take you out more frequently don’t over think their motives but just go out and enjoy your partner and your meal together.
d. Give yourself time. You have been deeply hurt and it will take time to instill trust back so give yourself time to heal and trust again.
After the affair both of you have a part to play in instilling trust again. If anyone of you is unwilling to play their part then trust cannot be instilled. And even when you are both willing it will still take time and both of you will not heal at the same rate so you need to be patient with each other.
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After the Affair – How to Instil Trust After Infidelity
